Buy a house with a pool/hot tub or have one built - cute boys will flock to it and, therefore, you.

By the five year mark in a gay relationship, you must have had a threeway with your partner at least once.

Don’t lose touch with the flock of gay friends that inevitably move to LA or NYC - one of them could wind up dating Katy Perry’s manager.

Be patient and continue to “innocently” flirt. Your crush’s relationship will erode faster than JLo’s acting career, and you’ll be there to pick up the pieces with the conciliatory sex.

Enter into a committed relationship with extreme hesitation; but once in said relationship, fall in love with other boys at the drop of a hat.

Freak out about gaining two pounds, even though you’ve been supplementing and weight training in hopes of packing on muscle.

If you’re at a circuit party and not drenched in sweat, you’re not doing it right.

Circuit party-going bears aren’t allowed to wear deoderant to dance parties. It’s not a rule I like, but there it is, none the less.

A true twink has little or no body hair (sorry, otters). Wax, shave, bleach, lazer or nair it.

You must watch any and all independent gay films you can find … no matter how dreadful they are.

Adult gay men are allowed to refer to themselves as a “boy,” but any gay male over the age of 18 calling himself a “boi” should be thoroughly mocked.

If you’re a smoker and want a tongue down your throat, brush those teeth and chew that gum before heading over for a hookup.

Gay men have many preferences, whether it’s cut or uncut, boxers or briefs, white or black, hairy or smooth, twink or muscle daddy. Just remember - it’s only an opinion, not a fact.

You are required to have a headless nude shot of yourself somewhere on your phone or laptop.

If you can’t separate fantasy from your gay dating life, stop subscribing to Tumblr gay porn blogs.